In the classic best-seller His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.This revised and expanded edition has been updated throughout and includes new writing that highlights the special significance of intimate emotional needs in marriage.
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First, what I am frustrated by is the lack of understanding. He talks about women "needing to wear makeup" to be beautiful, and "needing to lose weight" to be beautiful. This is societal shaming and it needs to stop.
Women are not innately unattractive because they don't wear make up, or because they are fat. There are some gorgeous women who are fat, and there are some stunning women who choose not to wear makeup.
For example, Alicia Keys hasn't been wearing makeup, but she is still a stunning human being. If a man only finds a woman attractive when she wears makeup, he is not finding her attractive at all. He is finding attractive what society has told him to. Men are attracted to women biologically. That means that before women ever wore makeup, we were making babies. If you look at past art, men used to find fat women attractive. That means it has nothing to do with changing your appearance to fit someone's ideals, but finding someone who loves you from the start. If we perpetuate this idea that "most women have changed themselves" for guys when they are dating, and then get into marriage and "let themselves go" then we need to change how dating happens, and not our level of comfort and vulnerability in a marriage.
He uses an example to excuse himself, saying that if a man goes into a marriage expecting a thin woman, and his wife gets fat, then that should excuse him. The thing is, though, if you go into a marriage not knowing that your wife used to be fat, and struggles with eating, then you are going to struggle with more than superficial issues. Second, a woman cannot be expected to constantly look "put together" when the same expectation placed on men is that they "brush their teeth" and "take a shower".
I appreciated some of his advice, but the more I got into it, the more I found myself talking to my fiance about what he really wanted from me, and not about what some guy says he needs. In the end, it comes down to whether or not you are honest with your spouse before your marriage about who you truly are. If you have lied about who you are, then you are going to have a lot more trouble than if you have just been an open book to start with.
Not currently married.
- Pat in Ohio