• Avoidant

  • How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner
  • By: Jeb Kinnison
  • Narrated by: Joe Farinacci
  • Length: 5 hrs and 29 mins
  • 4.4 out of 5 stars (459 ratings)

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Avoidant  By  cover art

Avoidant

By: Jeb Kinnison
Narrated by: Joe Farinacci
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Publisher's summary

Jeb Kinnison's previous book on finding a good partner by understanding attachment types (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner) brought lots of people to JebKinnison.com, where the most asked-about topic was how to deal with avoidant lovers and spouses. There are many now in troubled marriages who are looking for help, as well as people already invested in a relationship short of marriage who'd like help deciding if they should stick with it.

People in relationships with avoidants struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. The avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well - retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give.

The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is).

Yet there is some hope - though it may take years and require educating the avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication; if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done.

©2014 Jeb Kinnison (P)2015 Jeb Kinnison

What listeners say about Avoidant

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    2 out of 5 stars
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    2 out of 5 stars

Derogatory towards woman/outdated/ female shaming

I was so looking forward to listening to this audiobook as I am a fan of John Gottman. I am 50 years old, with 2 daughters and I am a business owner- co owner with my husband. I was quite surprised how the author always refers to the caregiver as the mother and places blame on her ( references always dictated as the mother and not the father)
at fault for attachment difficulties. I can listen to this audiobook and gather tidbits that may contribute to aspects of improvement in my life, thankful that I have zero tolerance to a book that takes a narcissist view of child rearing, neglecting the father’s role and impact of his presence, and in fact blaming the mother for outcomes of the child.

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46 people found this helpful

  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars

Worth a listen!

As a person married to an avoidant I learned a great deal. Especially, that there is hope. I always wondered what was wrong, why my husband didn't take my needs into consideration, and thought that I was the problem... I'm an anxious avoidant. This book gave me a lot of information and my husband is listening to it too and finds it beneficial. We are practicing kindness and empathy!

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31 people found this helpful

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    3 out of 5 stars
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    3 out of 5 stars

Be Warned

This book has many good and valid points but also has some potentially injurious and ignorant ones too. I have been a Licensed Therapist who specializes in attachment injuries and trauma for over 20yrs and this author does not sound as if his background is in research or psychology...be warned and read with discernment as some of his writings indicate a severe lack of awareness of the effects of attachment injuries.

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23 people found this helpful

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    3 out of 5 stars
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Stop while you are behind

This book wasn’t for you, but who do you think might enjoy it more?
I think books like these may do more harm than good. I was like aha I have figured out the mystery to relationships and realized we are all doomed. Far too black and white and not true. Some of us avoid and some of us cling but that does not mean either party is wrong. Don't demonize your spouse instead look in the mirror, pull your own planks.

Would you listen to another book narrated by Joe Farinacci?
Greal narration and for that reason I took it far too seriously.

If you could play editor, what scene or scenes would you have cut from Avoidant?
Nothing, great book.

Any additional comments?
Yes I think there is hope for most every relationship. I think we are all a little narcissistic. I also believe if we gave a little more than we received we would be loved a little more every day. Relationships are investments, treat yourself like your new car or your brand new house , cherish your relationship. On that note read the book Cherish.

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17 people found this helpful

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Couldn't get past this.

There were some good parts to this that made a lot of sense to me. A few chapters in, I began to notice how much this author seems to have a problem with women. He talks down on them and blames them for trusting. I got disgusted with it.
I didn't even bother to finish this book.

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14 people found this helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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Don't Even Think About Dating an Avoidant!

Save yourself some heartache. Learn how to spot these individuals and steer clear of them. This book helped me understand that it's really NOT me.

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12 people found this helpful

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    4 out of 5 stars
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Author Holds No Quarter

There's no sugar coating here. Be prepared to take a good look at your ugly self.

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11 people found this helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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A life changer !! A must read for ANYONE partnered

Without this book, I would have lost my husband and Home, and would have continued on the aimless path, seeking out the “jerks”

I am still married to the “jerk” but with this book, I was able to take “me” out of the equation, to see that it was with empathy and understanding he wasn’t trying to hurt me, he was just so hurt as a child, he didn’t really learn HOW to be empathic and closely bonded... once I took this info to heart, we both are much happier since he learned my needs as well.... it saved my marriage, home, and happier than ever!!! The way it’s written and dictated, it’s very clear and spot on!

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9 people found this helpful

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    3 out of 5 stars
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    4 out of 5 stars

Helpful, but could be more so

This was a good book to listen to, particularly after determining the attachment styles for myself and of the important people in my life. I did not think the narrator was very engaging, but it wasn't too bad. This book seems to be one that might be better in print, but I got along fine with the audio version. Though the information was helpful, I did get the impression that the author is a bit too judgmental and critical of avoidants, even though my purpose for going through this book was to determine next steps with the avoidant(s) in my life. I do recommend it, but maybe not enthusiastically.

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9 people found this helpful

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Useful

A good companion to John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Especially if you have a "stonewalling" spouse.

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9 people found this helpful