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The Four Tendencies
- The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too)
- Narrated by: Gretchen Rubin
- Length: 6 hrs and 37 mins
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Publisher's summary
In this groundbreaking analysis of personality type, best-selling author of Better Than Before and The Happiness Project Gretchen Rubin reveals the one simple question that will transform what you do at home, at work, and in life.
During her multi-book investigation into understanding human nature, Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the seemingly dry question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain explosive self-knowledge. She discovered that based on their answer, people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so using this framework allows us to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively.
More than 600,000 people have taken her online quiz, and managers, doctors, teachers, spouses, and parents already use the framework to help people make significant, lasting change.
The Four Tendencies hold practical answers if you’ve ever thought:
- People can rely on me, but I can’t rely on myself.
- How can I help someone to follow good advice?
- People say I ask too many questions.
- How do I work with someone who refuses to do what I ask - or who keeps telling me what to do?
With sharp insight, compelling research, and hilarious examples, The Four Tendencies will help you get happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. It’s far easier to succeed when you know what works for you.
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Shaunti Feldhahn helps listeners transform any relationship by making three small changes! In a new approach for Shaunti, this book is a cross between a major research study, a self-help book, and a daily step-by-step habit-building plan. It shows listeners how to apply the surprising relationship insights revealed in her earlier million-copy best sellers, why certain actions matter so much, and a specific 30-day plan on what to do to build a very simple habit that will change any relationship for the better.
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Challenge Accepted!
- By SoS1234 on 01-11-17
By: Shaunti Feldhahn
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Stopping Stress Before It Stops You
- A Game Plan for Every Mom
- By: Kevin Leman
- Narrated by: Lucille Cole
- Length: 5 hrs and 47 mins
- Unabridged
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You can reduce stress and enjoy your life! Homemaker, career woman, wife, supermom—sometimes the roles you have to fill all at once can get to be too much. Internationally known psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman has seen scores of women who are overcome by stress. With humor, insight, and practical solutions, this best-selling author helps you manage the six stress points in your life: kids, career, husband, housework, money, and crammed schedules.
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He assumes you're married to an idiot!
- By Karen on 06-04-11
By: Kevin Leman
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Winning from Within
- A Breakthrough Method for Leading, Living, and Lasting Change
- By: Erica Ariel Fox
- Narrated by: Tavia Gilbert
- Length: 10 hrs and 2 mins
- Unabridged
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Life is a series of negotiations, whether or not you think of yourself as a negotiator. From seemingly insignificant daily decisions to major life choices, you negotiate every time you aim to persuade, argue over a decision, or resolve a conflict. But as negotiations and leadership expert Erica Ariel Fox reveals, the most important negotiations - the ones that determine the impact of our actions and the quality of our lives - are those we have with ourselves.
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Enlightening is an understatement
- By Lucas on 01-13-19
By: Erica Ariel Fox
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S.U.M.O (Shut Up, Move On)
- The Straight-Talking Guide to Creating and Enjoying a Brilliant Life
- By: Paul McGee
- Narrated by: Paul McGee
- Length: 4 hrs and 1 min
- Unabridged
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S.U.M.O. stands for Shut Up, Move On. It's a phrase to say to ourselves (and sometimes others) when we are acting or thinking in a way that is hindering our ability to succeed. It doesn't necessarily mean "get over it" or "pull yourself together" (although there may be occasions when both responses are necessary): "Shut Up" means stop what you're doing, take time out to reflect, let go of baggage and beliefs that hinder your potential; "Move On" means tomorrow can be different from today, look for new possibilities, don't just think about it, take action.
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Exellent :-)
- By Aina on 10-14-12
By: Paul McGee
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It's Not My Fault
- The No-Excuse Plan to Put You in Charge of Your Life
- By: Henry Cloud, John Townsend
- Narrated by: Henry Cloud, John Townsend
- Length: 6 hrs and 18 mins
- Unabridged
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Using eight principles, a variety of true stories and their years of experience as professional psychologists, Cloud and Townsend enlighten readers on how to make empowering choices-and how to build the life they want to live. It may seem impossible but it's true: taking personal responsibility is not only liberating, it is the best-and perhaps the only-way for a person to get what they really want out of life.
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TOP BOOK of 2009
- By David on 03-14-11
By: Henry Cloud, and others
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Work, Love, Pray
- Practical Wisdom for Young Professional Christian Women
- By: Diane Paddison
- Narrated by: Ruth Bloomquist
- Length: 7 hrs and 24 mins
- Unabridged
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The number of Christian women in today's professional workforce is increasing, and they are hungry for practical mentoring. They yearn to learn from someone who has climbed the ladder of success without sacrificing family or faith - something author Diane Paddison has done with excellence and grace. The stories Paddison shares about her corporate, personal, and spiritual life, as well as the lives of other women like her, are both inspiring and instructive, providing on-target advice and concrete examples of how to succeed without feeling overwhelmed or compromised.
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Starts off with a big ego but gets better later
- By Diane on 12-11-11
By: Diane Paddison
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Easier Than You Think
- The Small Changes That Add Up to a World of Difference
- By: Richard Carlson Ph.D.
- Narrated by: Richard Carlson Ph.D.
- Length: 2 hrs and 57 mins
- Unabridged
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All of us are looking for practical ways to take control of our lives, whether in our personal relationships, our families, our work, our health, or our future plans. Daily challenges have a way of overwhelming us, making life harder than it needs to be. The good news is that the answers are out there. And they are Easier Than You Think.
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Terrific, uplifting ideas to improve your life.
- By Beth on 07-18-05
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How to Keep People from Pushing Your Buttons
- By: Albert Ellis Ph.D., Arthur Lange Ed.D., Kristene A. Doyle - foreword Ph.D.
- Narrated by: Tom Parks
- Length: 6 hrs and 54 mins
- Unabridged
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Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), created by world-renowned therapist Dr. Albert Ellis, provides you with realistic, simple, proven techniques that will significantly reduce your stress levels and help you react effectively, whether the circumstances are professional or personal.
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Watch out for self-inflicted button pushing
- By Marcheta on 02-15-17
By: Albert Ellis Ph.D., and others
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When Work and Family Collide
- Keeping Your Job from Cheating Your Family
- By: Andy Stanley
- Narrated by: Lloyd James
- Length: 2 hrs and 52 mins
- Unabridged
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Let's face it. With all the demands of the workplace and all the details of a family, it's only a matter of time before one bumps into the other. And many of us end up cheating our families when the commitments of both collide. In this practical audiobook, Andy Stanley will help you establish priorities and boundaries to protect what you value most.
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A lesson well learned, follow Daniel’s example
- By Jiri Palacky on 03-21-20
By: Andy Stanley
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Women Who Think Too Much
- How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life
- By: Susan Nolen-Hoeksema
- Narrated by: Sheryl Bernstein
- Length: 2 hrs and 58 mins
- Abridged
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It's not a surprise that our fast-paced, overly analytical culture is pushing people - especially women - to spend countless hours thinking about negative ideas, feelings, and experiences. Renowned psychologist Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema calls this "overthinking". Her groundbreaking research shows that an increasing number of women - more than half of those in her extensive study - are doing it too much and too often, hindering their ability to lead a satisfying life.
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Generic tools for overcoming overthinking
- By letlet on 01-09-19
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Joint Custody with a Jerk
- Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex
- By: Judy Corcoran, Julie A. Ross, MA
- Narrated by: Randye Kaye
- Length: 7 hrs
- Unabridged
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It's a fact that parenting is hard enough in a family where two parents love and respect each other. After divorce, when the respect has diminished and the love has often turned to intense dislike, co-parenting can be nearly impossible, driving one or both parents to the brink of insanity. Joint Custody with a Jerk offers many proven communication techniques that help you deal with your difficult ex-husband or ex-wife.
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Victim blaming
- By Michelle Johann on 08-31-18
By: Judy Corcoran, and others
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Magazine article stretched to book length
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It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed by the mixed messages of what it means to live well. Kendra Adachi, the creator of the Lazy Genius movement, invites you to live well by your own definition and equips you to be a genius about what matters and lazy about what doesn’t. Everything from your morning routine to napping without guilt falls into place with Kendra’s 13 Lazy Genius principles.
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Similar to the podcast, but worth buying
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The chief scientist at the Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS) turns a critical eye toward such practices as telepathy, clairvoyance, precognition, and psychokinesis. Are such powers really possible? Science says yes. According to noted scientist and best-selling author of The Conscious Universe, Dean Radin, magic is a natural aspect of reality, and each of us can tap into this power with diligent practice.
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Swipe. Match. Get ghosted. Repeat. Modern dating can quickly start to feel like an overwhelming slog. It’s easy to forget the point of it all: this is supposed to be fun. Enter professional sex and dating coach Myisha Battle. Drawing on an engaging and diverse collection of client stories, This Is Supposed to Be Fun is a uniquely inclusive, sex-positive guide to help you skip past the games and get what you really want out of dating and relationships—no matter what that may be.
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What do you do when you're faced with a big decision? If you're like most people, you probably make a pro and con list, spend a lot of time obsessing about decisions that didn't work out, get caught in analysis paralysis, endlessly seek other people's opinions to find just that little bit of extra information that might make you sure, and finally go with your gut.
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A lot of useless fluff
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Personality Isn't Permanent
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Wow! One of my top choices in the self help category
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The Plant Paradox
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Most of us have heard of gluten - a protein found in wheat that causes widespread inflammation in the body. Americans spend billions of dollars on gluten-free diets in an effort to protect their health. But what if we’ve been missing the root of the problem? In The Plant Paradox, renowned cardiologist Dr. Steven Gundry reveals that gluten is just one variety of a common, and highly toxic, plant-based protein called lectin.
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The proliferation of fabricated “facts”
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I Know What to Do, So Why Don't I Do It?
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You might think laziness, lack of willpower, and/or low motivation are to blame for the fact that you aren't achieving your goals. But fascinating research in the field of psychoneuroimmunology has revealed another, far more likely possibility. One with the potential to transform your life in a dramatic way.
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Big Disappointment!
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What listeners say about The Four Tendencies
Average customer ratingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall
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- T. Hadnot
- 03-08-18
Terrible, Repetitive, and Filled with Bad Advice
This book was terrible for so many reasons. I could write an entire thesis on everything that’s wrong with it, but this is a review website so I’ll just list a few of the things I had issues with.
1. The writing itself was terrible. It felt like she only had enough to say to fill about 25-30 pages, so she spent the rest of the time repeating things she’s already said. She also contradicted herself on numerous occasions, thereby further destroying her credibility. This credibility was already on shaky ground due to the fact that she has no credentials to say the things she does. She’s a lawyer turned author who noticed “tendencies” in the people around her (I repeat, THE PEOPLE AROUND HER), decided that all mankind fits into one of these four spurious categories, and then made a quiz, an app, a book deal, and a ton of money off of it. She had no scientific training and her data is biased by the fact that the questions on the quiz are excessively basic, short, and skewed and the conclusions drawn can therefore not be trusted in a scientific manner, as they were not tested in a scientific fashion. The book is written with a strong leaning towards the author’s own “Upholder” tendency, with blatant condescension toward the other three. Even within the “Additional Materials” chapter, there is nothing except her podcast, and her app, thereby leading me to believe that even she knows she just made this stuff up, and that it has no basis in reality.
2. Gretchen Rubin says that every single human on God’s green earth fits into one of these for categories and that THEY CANNOT CHANGE. I take issue with that for a number of reasons. To say that people cannot change their tendency, the personality or their habits is a lie. It happens all the time. We change based on situations, circumstances, and age. I was categorized as an “Obliger” on her quiz. And then I read the chapter on it. I am nothing like that chapter. I am not helpless, insipid, and incapable of motivating myself to do something. I don’t need other people to hold me accountable. I have no problem meeting “inner expectations.” The basic questions on that quiz (“Are you a people pleaser? How do you feel about New Years Resolutions? Etc...”) have led her to categorize most of mankind as Obligers. Every example she gives (of each of these tendencies) seems to be about the most extreme behaviors, most of which would result in the person in question being in severe danger of being slapped by people around them for not knowing how to act like a reasoning, thinking, functioning adult. I was left thinking that each example in each tendency needed to be in some sort of medication to assist with their emotional and behavioral issues.
3. I take issue with the fact that she arbitrarily lists film and literary characters as shining examples of these tendencies. This further impresses upon the reader that there is a complete lack of any actual psychological study going on. The characters haven’t taken these quizzes. She’s so excited about this idea of hers that she sees it wherever she goes. At one point she references Jane Eyre as a Questioner, simply because Jane’s aunt says to her in the beginning “Jane, I don’t like cavillers or questioners.” As a devoted Jane Eyre fan, I can tell you that “Questioner” would NOT be her tendency. Read the book. You’ll see. Same things Hermione, the poster child for the “Upholder tendency.” Bilge. Hermione breaks rules frequently as long as she feels on solid ground when she does so, and she will only do what she’s told as long as SHE can see that it’s right. Which makes her a Questioner. Then when she uses examples of real people, they’re so ludicrous that you wonder if she just made them up. “An Obliger said this...” “A Rebel friend told me...” “I got a letter from and Upholder manager and they said...” Never are we given names. Never are we given any proof that she’s tweaked or adjusted her original theory to allow for further research. Never do we get the sense that she ever checks up on herself, or that there is any room for error. She never even lists any of the negative responses she’s gotten, and I know she’s gotten them, because I’ve seen them in her podcast comment section.
4. Finally, and most importantly, the advice in this book is terrible. It should not be followed. Why? Because the advice is basically that other people around you need to cater to whatever tendency you have. If you are a manager, you should spend your time making sure that you know the tendency of each of your employees, and catering to it, while also catering to your own. There is no actual sense of personal accountability here. People don’t have to take responsibility for themselves and their behavior because “that’s just how they are.” Nonsense. She gave the example of mayor who told people in NY to evacuate due to a hurricane. Not everyone did and lives were lost. She actually says that had the mayor taken tendencies into account he could have provided information in four different ways to suit said four different tendencies. To which I say, if you’ve been told to evacuate a place for your own and others safety, and you choose to stay, that’s on you. You were told. People do not have the time to mollycoddle others based of Gretchen Rubin’s spurious tendencies. Another example was of a Rebel child who wanted to drop out of school because she felt it was restrictive. Her parents allowed it. Within a short amount of time the girl decided to go back and the school decided to cater to her needs, the needs of a spoiled brat. Again, this has the potential to cause so many problems. Most schools will not react that way, nor should they. Most children won’t decide to go back, because they’ll like the freedom of having made that choice. And if they are unable to pass the notoriously difficult GED exams, what then? Where are we then? At times there are blatant mistruths. She mentions a military Rebel, who says that he was able to attain rank while breaking all the rules he wanted. I call BS. I come from a military family and I know they do NOT allow insubordination. They can’t afford to because that could cost the lives of other soldiers. Breaking rules in the military gets you dishonorably discharged or worse. Ask any military person. You obey your commanding officers or you pay the penalty.
Her advice in child rearing seems to be (as with everything else) “cater to the child’s tendency.” Every child I have ever known (and I come from a large family and also taught for years) is every single one of these tendencies, frequently all at once. They question everything, follow the rules, want to please everybody, and don’t like to be told what to do. Oh wait, that’s also called being human. We are ALL that way. Doctors won’t even start testing children for behavioral or mental disorder until after the age of 5, so where does she get off labeling these children for life, while ignoring any evidence that will/can/does prove that she’s wrong. Her statements are contradictory. “This is what you are, except not completely because these tendencies are affected by other personality traits.” “This is who your tendency should pair up with, except that it really doesn’t matter because all of these tendencies can work together.” She’s condescending and rude to the other tendencies.
Upholder - Perfect and desirable and rare
Questioner - Crackpot (yes she actually says this)
Obliger - Can’t do anything without help (“YOU MUST HAVE EXTERNAL ACCOUNTABILITY TO SUCCED WITH INNER EXPECTATIONS. If you can find someone to do it for you hire someone or join an accountability group.”)
Rebel - Bullheaded to to point of blatant stupidity (“You’re not the boss of me. You can’t make me. Even if my health is at risk, I won’t do what you say because I resist ANY AND ALL ATTEMPTS at being told anything.”
This book is a HUGE waste of time and basically serves as justification for any sort of ignorant, selfish behavior anyone wants to display. Sorry for the lengthy review. And I’m not even a Questioner.....
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- Natasha Smith
- 12-29-18
As I should have expected...
Gretchen tends to take good concepts and turn them into mediocre books. The Four Tendencies framework is super helpful, especially for me - a rebel - since it helps me understand how to motivate myself, and to understand how other people function differently.
But.
Gretchen is an upper-class, thin white woman. She writes from a place of privilege, with no acknowledgment of it. Her examples seem mostly drawn from people who live similar lives (hetero, married people who are often parents) and the whole book feels very...clueless at times. She offers her opinions about celebrities, research articles, and external situations where she's really just guessing ("I bet they had this tendency, and that's why!"). I'd have been so much more interested if she conducted her own research beyond some general surveying.
90% of the book seemed to be stories about either weight loss or a spouse's epiphany about their spouse. As a body-positive advocate, all the weight loss talk really turned me off. And she so frequently seems to write off the tendencies as a series of individual quirks we have no control over. Not once does she address how the tendencies develop, or how we might strengthen responsiveness to inner or outer expectations.
How do obligers discover what they really want? How do questioners know when they have enough information? There are so many paths she could have explored and didn't. Instead, we get some useful information in a repetitive package. It's a bit better than her other books, but I still don't think I'd be able to get through it a second time. I'd have preferred the Cliff's notes.
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- A. Yoshida
- 09-23-17
Useful to know 4 tendencies when dealing w/ people
If you're familiar with the book "Better Than Before" or the podcast "Happier with Gretchen Rubin," a lot of the information in this book isn't new except for the additional examples and techniques for dealing with the different tendency types. However, it still contains useful information. If you ask a person how they feel about new year's resolutions, these are the typical responses from the 4 tendencies:
* Upholder - Will make and keep new year's resolutions.
* Questioner - Think Jan. 1 is an arbitrary date. Will make and keep resolutions when they feel like it.
* Obliger - Stopped making new year's resolutions because they can't keep them.
* Rebel - Don't believe in making resolutions.
Then knowing a person's tendency, there are techniques for working with them:
* Upholder - Tell them what needs to be done and when, and they'll tell you whether they can do it.
* Questioner - Explain "why" something needs to be done and ensure they understand the purpose/value. Then tell them what needs to be done.
* Obliger - Tell them who needs it. Make sure they're not overcommitted before asking them to do something.
* Rebel - Don't tell them to do something because they don't like being told to do it. Explain the situation and give them a choice. A common technique for rebel children is saying "Do you want a hamburger or a hot dog," instead of telling them to eat lunch.
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- John B
- 09-13-17
Listen to it right away! Amazing!
I recommend this book to anyone that has trouble understanding the motivations of others, especially if you are in healthcare or fitness. It will illuminate everyday choices in a way that will change your life.
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- Chelsey
- 03-08-19
Maybe I was too excited for this?
Maybe I was too excited for this? I thought it was going to be more in depth than the snip-it's I've gotten from the podcast, but that's all it really was. Perceptions and opinions, and conversations with other people you already hear about in the podcast. Save your credits and listen to her podcast if you really want to know!
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- Nikky
- 09-14-17
Very Insightful, Practical, and Fascinating
As a previous psych student, I can't resist a book about personality and more effective communication. I used to think if people wanted to do something.. they would just do it! My whole life I've had discipline and have had no problem finding ways to accomplish things other people lay out for me as well as things I lay out for myself. I would often tell others.. if you want to do it, then why don't you? I'm a textbook upholder. I'm also a fitness coach and find this to be invaluable for keeping clients motivated that don't think like me (a lot of people won't think waking up at 4am just to get a workout in before work is a good strategy even if it means they'll get it done! Haha). I found the information about romantic, parent/child, and professional relationships very useful as well. Overall very interesting and useful and I'm having a fun time learning the tendencies of other people in my life!
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- JJH
- 02-26-19
Condescending and incomplete
I think the premise that we respond to expectations is valid. The idea that we have “tendencies” makes some sense. However, I think different tendencies can be situation. I suspect they change over time as well. They interact with so many other facets of our personalities, lives, and culture that these categories, even with the idea that there’s a range within tendencies, just seem beyond oversimplified.
I’m a mental health professional, and I just kept wondering if the research truly supports this. While there seem to be points that are likely valid, I’m not sure the theory that these are immutable “tendencies” is valid.
And, then there’s her tone. Ugh! She’s very condescending. I came out as the opposite of her type. There’s not supposed to be overlap between those two, but there is. However, she seems to self-aggrandize her “tendency” and uses pejorative descriptors of her opposite tendency. Her tone is shaming, and she truly lacks understanding of the struggle others face.
As I said, there are grains of truth here that could be helpful, but I’m feeling so crappy about myself after listening to the audio book some that I doubt I’ll finish it. Not sure wanting to curl up in a ball of self-loathing will help me tackle developing new habits.
Truly annoyed that I’ve already bought another book by her as well. I have no clue if she’s at all self-aware, but this, given the tone, could be quite counterproductive.
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- Sarah
- 05-06-18
Meh.
I must admit I got bored with this one before the end, so take that into account as you weigh this review.
I don't know that the thesis here is all that earth-shattering. It really is just a single plane of analysis--four attitudes people use to approach situations--instead of a multi-layered, illuminating diagnostic tool. It is more of a blog post topic than a book. But it has some value. I think you could probably find a sufficient summary from the online quiz and skip the book.
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- Find a Path with Heart
- 03-19-19
Great insights into what makes people tick
There are a lot of different ways to analyze people to understand them. This is a new one on me and very, very useful. It doesn’t replace other frameworks, but it does add a new way to get along with others and yourself.
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- Catherine K.
- 10-31-20
What I Didn't Know
I was always pretty sure of who I was. I've lived a pretty good life. Though I've certainly made mistakes with my career, friendships, family, and life, I'm generally satisfied with most--make that some of my current life. So I took the tendancies quiz, thinking it would be like all the rest. Full of generalities and not much substance. But I was BLOWN AWAY by what I learned. So many times in my life I haven't understood the why of my choices. Thinking I was just different from everybody else. One concept in Gretchen's book changed me. She asked about not being certain if I could do something in the future for someone else. Well, I thought, not for certain. Because how would I know what I'd want to do that day? That was me. Beyond that, I couldn't even depend on doing something for myself! I'd stopped making important appointments because I might not feel like going to them that day. It might sound like just a lazy excuse, but that wasn't the case. I was a Rebel. I wish I'd known how to deal with others, and myself, years ago. This book is teaching me how, now. Highly recommend.
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